Reflection...

After hearing the news about my cousins death, I took a selfish turn. I spent some time doing a lot of reflecting. As most of you know (and if you didn't, you do now) know that I fell away from the church and did a lot of terrible things i should have never done. One of those things was to participate in the illegal use of drugs. I had very little if any self esteem due to my weight issues, and Satan knew that. he knew just what to have my old druggie friends tell me to get me to use the heavy drugs that I am so glad I was able to stop. I thought about all the times I went to work high, or drove a car and put myself and others at risk of dying. At first the drugs were fun, and there were no consequences, but the further along it got, and the more I did the drugs, the harder it became to just up and quit. Most people looking in from the outside say its easy to quit, and you just don't want it bad enough to quit. How wrong you all are. Drugs do something to your free agency, and your choices. It takes that all away, and pretty soon you have no agency at all. You become a slave to the drugs. Unfortunately for my dear cousin she became that slave, and had no way of getting out before it totally overtook her and eventually took her life from her. I am so glad that she is now free from that bond. I can't describe the feeling you get when you are able to break free from that hard taskmaster, and finally see with your own eyes what you have become, and finally break free from the downward spiral. It was so hard to stop. I relapsed a few times, but was finally able to stop. Six years later I was able to fully repent of everything, and attend the temple to receive my endowments. Those six years were some of the most difficult in my life. Using drugs and drinking and sex were easy, those took no brains and no moral fortitude. Those took no courage to do. It was easy. The following six years were the roughest years of my life. Unfortunately because of those choices people have expressed very harsh and mis-concepted thoughts about those of us who used drugs or who were adopted. Being adopted didn't make me use drugs, being a fat person didn't make me use drugs. No one made me do anything. i chose to do it by using my free agency, and as one of the consequences that same free agency was taken away. You now may ask how I became selfish the other night after hearing such horrible and sad news. It was very easy. I was able to free myself before it was too late. I was able to learn from my mistakes, and was able to catch myself just in time to be able to continue my journey here on earth. I am so fortunate I was able to do so. Otherwise I wouldn't have my precious children or my wonderful husband. I am so thankful I was able to gather just enough strength to pick myself up and stop the cycle before it was too late. Unfortunately my cousin was not as lucky to do that here in this life, however she is now fully aware of herself, and is in a position where she can now learn and move on, and become the young lady she knew she should and could be. One day we will all get to see that beautiful young lady, and get to know her. She is now able to feel the "bands loosed" and know what it is like to be free. What a marvelous feeling it was to feel that, and how relieved I felt. I'm sure Becky is feeling that now. The relief and the happiness of having those chains loosened. May she know that she will always have a special place in my heart. From one former drug addict to another How wonderful it is now that we are able to see where we are going and where and who we want to be. Isn't it glorious to see the love that the Savior has for all his children. We are now both free from the harsh taskmaster, and both have the eternities to enjoy our family and our Savior. May you enjoy your Peace Becky and know that we had never stopped loving you and neither did your Heavenly Father. God be with you till we meet again.........